Theres something happening here.  What it is aint exactly clear.


I never venture far from the microwave but was passing by the premade cookie dough at the grocery and they looked so delectable on the package my stomach forced me to get some.  Back in the olden days they used to be called Slice and Bake, but we are way too advanced for that now. 

This is America, who has the time or the energy to slice these days?  Busy Busy Busy Buy Sell Divest More More Gimmee.  Thats what modern technology is for.  Next it will be baking them and neatly stacking them in a plastic tray.   Wait, they already do that.  Why am I making these again?


They now come in perfectly little preformed dough cylinders.  All you have to do is turn on the nonmicrowave oven, pop them on a cookie sheet 2 inches apart, set the timer and impatiently wait.   As you can see the 2 inch spacing was my first challenge.  We only had a round pizza pan.  I did set the timer, for the max time of 14 minutes because the oven was cold.

I went back to the internet, because one thing I do know about cooking is a watched pot never boils.   Precisely 14 minutes later, heard the ding, and raced to the kitchen ready for a warm chocolate chip with walnuts cookie and a cold beer.  

When I pulled the pizza pan out all but 6 were blackened.  The remaining 6 were a little carbonized around the edges, but I ate them anyway figuring what the hell, I'm made of carbon it will probably make me stronger.  At my age my bone density is all downhill from here.

So my wonderful supportive roomie comes home and puts on the best supporting actor performance of  "Ewwww whats burning?  Look at all the burnt cookies in the garbage! (insert evil laugh here)  Didnt you smell it?" 

Actually no, I didnt smell the burning,  my dog once again was skunked this week.  So between that and the citrus sage candle I was burning to try to cover up the scent , no I did not notice it.  Nothing like kicking a girl when shes down and her stomach is still grumbling.  Let me say for the record about Mr Perfect Roomie, at least I didnt date someone who had to be treated for rabies.

Disaster in the kitchen strikes again.  Why cant I cook?   I followed the directions.  Generally  I'm good about figuring things out.  Then it hit me.  This was much larger than me.  It has to do with getting rid of absolute time.  The twins paradox, if one twin were on top of a mountain and the other twin at sea level, the one on the mt would age faster.  Basically I live on top of a mountain, therefore my cookies aged faster.  It wasnt me at all.  The fourth paragraph up from the bottom explains it all on this web site.

posted by: rustymadgal at 10/24/05 18:09 | link | comments (12) |

Comments:

#1  24 October 2005 - 18:28

 

Awww, they look so sad! Can you scrape off the black? You know, like toast?

AmericanGirl

#2  24 October 2005 - 19:19

 

I'm sorry, I know cookies should be taken seriously but this is just so funny, and very informative! Anyway, burnt cookie=carbon, you=carbon, diamonds=carbon. Cheers! (AG already said toast.)

giuli

#3  25 October 2005 - 02:57

 

Always felt more like cubic zirconia, didnt even think as far as the diamond part, Thanks! Reminded me of a great show called Connections that used to be on with Robert Burke(?). He would show two
seemingly unrelated objects and then travel all over the world tracing their histories until he found the connection between them.

rustymadgal

#4  25 October 2005 - 06:59

 

Cookie art.

I have this whole mythology from my childhood about rabies. I had a babysitter who was bitten by a squirrel. She had a series of rabies shots in HER BELLY.This frightened me so much, and was spoken of with such an ominous respect, that I consequently have always been terrified of squirrels (well, one on one, ha) and rabies shots are something you'd see Vincent Price dispensing in one of those cheesy Poe films.

If I had burned the cookies, I'd have had to go to the local store and bought some Pepperidge Farm cookies and ice cream as compensation.

Leigh

#5  25 October 2005 - 14:19

 

How funny. "Didn't you smell it?" became my version of "Hey, how are you?" after a few years with my husband.

Rabies shots ceased to be as intimidating as they used to be years ago. Either people don't know that, or mommies can appreciate a good dissuasion tactic when they get one.

maybeknott

#6  25 October 2005 - 19:51

 

The time paradox also works for cookies, obviously. If the cookies had been moving faster, ie typing madly on the computer keyboard, and you had been captive, sitting silently in the oven, you would be the one that was carbonized. Would your roomie have noticed the smell?

paperboy

#7  27 October 2005 - 03:59

 

chocolate chip cookies and beer? now there's a paradox for you. it smells of a disturbed yin yang to me. nice catching up on your blog, btw.

bluematrix

#8  27 October 2005 - 08:22

 

what blue said ... Cookies and BEER?? You ARE a glutton for punishment. I guess a skunked dog can really mess with your five senses.

FLPatty

#9  27 October 2005 - 15:19

 

It happens to the best of us, no matter how experienced you are. Unless you have your own show on the Food Network. But I'd love to see the bloopers on those shows; you know they have some good ones, though probably not as neat as frowny cookies. ;-)

Oh, and try preheating the oven. :-)

greeneyes

#10  01 November 2005 - 06:20

 

The internet vortex claims more victims. . .this time the innocent cookie, what next?

Which is worse, third degree burns or being crushed into thousands of pieces and drowning in pale ale?

Did I just hear Betty knocking?

ChefNeal

#11  11 November 2005 - 19:37

 

Umm, they look like cookie amoebas dividing. Ugh. LOL.

alohalani

#12  16 November 2005 - 09:32

 

cookies and beer fuckin rock. in fact, i've had all kinds of desserts with beer, and i have to say that beer goes with almost everything.

chocolate cake and beer. mmmmmmmm

one

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